I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
