I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
