he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
