Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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