your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
