there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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