hell yes lets make some ravioli
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
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I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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