exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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