All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
