i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
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This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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