Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
