You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
