"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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