If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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