Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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