I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
