her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
