After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
