Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
