Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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