I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
