you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
