Are we in a gay sports bar?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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