I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
