I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
