I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
