last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
