He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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