Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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