I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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