I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
