I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
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First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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