He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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