brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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