If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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