and my herpes radar will keep us safe
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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