Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
