Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
