How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
