That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
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The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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