don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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