We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
