You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Where is the hickey?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
