I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
