I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
