He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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