Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
