but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
