I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
