well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
