The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
