Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
