The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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