Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
