Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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